A year ago, I couldn’t start a conversation. With a stranger or someone I knew unless we were extremely close.
A year ago, I wouldn’t go to the bathroom in public alone because I was scared I couldn’t find it and would look like a lost puppy.
A year ago, I couldn’t order off a menu without my anxiety rising.
A year ago, I couldn’t speak my mind for fear of saying the “wrong thing.” For fear of people thinking I was stupid or just hating me.
A year ago, I couldn’t be myself because I didn’t want people to think I was annoying.
A year ago, I lacked in self confidence, self assurance, and self worth.
Don’t get me wrong, I still do. But it’s getting better.
Because a year ago, I wasn’t actively pursuing Jesus.
I never saw the job I have as a blessing other than, “wow I’m finally making money.” But today I was thinking about it.
It sounds silly I know. I just work at a clothing store. How is it a blessing?
I’ve had to find my voice with this job. I’ve had to speak to so many people I’ve never met. Or people I knew but not very well. I’ve started conversations with out-of-towners about why they’re here, what they’re doing, where they’re going. I’ve learned about my parents and grandparents through talking to people that have lived here forever but I’ve just never known.
When I started running more after God, it got easier to talk to people. He has been restoring my confidence in so many ways.
Now, I can post a silly picture on my Instagram and love that picture. Even if it’s not the cutest thing, because I’m the happiest when I look the goofiest. Because that’s when I’m having the most fun.
Now, I can dance like nobody’s watching, even when I know people are. Even when I know that some of them are doing to just DESPISE it.
Now, I can ask for extra ranch dressing without feeling like a burden.
Now, I sing out with my friends and with people that aren’t my friends.
I can talk to strangers like I’ve known them for years.
Because God has given me the confidence. He has given me the voice. He has given me the assurance.
These things still don’t come easy, though. I can’t speak up always when I’d like to.
3 months ago, I almost had an anxiety attack before I had to sing a solo at state music contest.
2 weeks ago, I couldn’t tell someone I love what was upsetting me because I didn’t want them to think I was dramatic and silly.
3 weeks ago, I couldn’t find the Olive Garden restroom after asking for directions, so I sat back down.
1 week ago, I auditioned for a small solo at state choir, but my mouth dried up from nervousness as fast as I can blink. So it didn’t go as well as I know it could’ve.
5 days ago, I almost didn’t talk to customers other than, “Hi! Can I help you with anything?” I almost missed out on the opportunity to connect with nice ladies.
Confidence is hard. But pretty necessary. Confidence in yourself and in Him. Confidence that He’s not going to leave you and make you look foolish. Confidence that He really is putting you in tough spots so you can grow (or that He’s not the one putting you in the tough spots). Not so you suffer and complain the whole time.
Don’t beat yourself up over the time where your lack in confidence got the best of you. Don’t hate yourself over the obstacle you face that is awkwardness. Don’t doubt yourself because of a goof that you made in the past.
When your confidence in God grows, the confidence that you have for yourself will grow also. You might not realize it has until you look back over the past year, month, or maybe even the last week.
I was sitting at work when I wrote this little blog. I titled it and had déjà vu. Maybe I imagined it, but if I remember correctly, I almost wrote a blog similar to this a few months ago. It was when I wrote my first blog, and I was starting another one about confidence. I’m pretty sure I even gave it the same name. But I deleted it because I knew it just didn’t feel right to write about it. Today, this subject was really just put on my heart. Maybe I dreamed that whole situation up. But either way, I remember at least thinking about that a few months ago.
God knows what He’s doing, guys. For real for real.
Confidence in Him. Confidence in yourself.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7