I was a bit hesitant when I started writing this. I didn’t want people to know about things I’ve done or choices I’ve made in my past. I didn’t want judgement. But I felt like I needed to just put it out here because I see the people around me that are going through things I’ve experienced. They’re dealing with emotional pain so intense it turns into physical pain. Literal sickness. Many people have probably experienced this emotional pain. It’s terrible and it seems there’s nothing that can be done to ease the pain.
I like to think that I was pretty smart as a kid. Well, I’m still a kid, but when I was a small kid. I knew that you were supposed to date who you wanted to marry. I also knew that it didn’t seem very smart to break up with someone and get back together. And then do that again. And again. And maybe some more. If you loved them, why would you ever break up with them? At the beginning of high school, I turned into one of those people.
I was in a relationship that wasn’t working out, but I just couldn’t deal with letting that person go completely. So we got back together. And broke up again. Then got back together. And broke up again. I cried for days over this person, in pain that I thought would last for the majority of my lifetime. Silly me, right? During this break up, I couldn’t hardly talk to people, or sing, without getting a knot in my throats and my eyes welling up with tears.
After that relationship was finally over, and I stopped being upset all the time, I thought I was good. On top of the world, even. Until I wasn’t. Except I didn’t realize I wasn’t. I constantly started seeking for comfort in different people without realizing it at the time. Jumping around with different boys and different “friends.” When I was with these people I started partying, which is something I said I would never do. Without realizing I was trying to cover up pain. It’s pretty ridiculous when I look back on that. Ridiculous to see the desperate person I had turned into. Someone that I wouldn’t want to look up to.
Let me tell you if you don’t already know:
That desperation does not ease the pain.
It intensifies and worsens it once the next person is gone.
The pain piles up. You might not be upset over that one person anymore, but the things you end up doing from that initial pain actually tear you down. You just become numb to all the pain for awhile until you get the sense to reach back for God. He pulls you out of that dark, dry well. He restores you with his LOVE and GRACE. You can feel again. You are filled.
At that low point of my life (I know it sounds silly since I’m young, but honestly, it was a low point. We all know it) I was not going to church as often as I should’ve (sorry mom and dad, but thanks for not hating me for that), I wasn’t involved in the church, and I wasn’t really getting anything out of the messages I would hear. I wouldn’t even read my devotionals anymore.
I realize now that it’s because I was running after the wrong things. I was seeking the hearts of random people. Temporary “love” that was not “love” at all. That whole time, I should’ve been chasing after God’s heart.
Around me, I’m constantly seeing people that I know dive back into their unhealthy relationships. Including friendships. They’re comfortable (for awhile), they’re easy to get back into, and they take away our loneliness. The problem is that most of those people had several reasons for ending that relationship the first time. Once it’s over, they bash the other person so much and talk about how they are “trash.” Then they get back into it, are in “love” once again, do everything together. The bad habits that they brought upon each other return and become magnified. A huge part of their lives. They stick together for awhile, the complaining starts again, and once more, they break up. Then they find a different person. It’s almost like a volleyball match but the ball is a person’s heart. That heart is not made to be tossed around so, unlike a volleyball, it will get bruised.
I was really set on writing about this when one of my close friends was telling me about girl troubles one of her guy friends was having. He had continuously been hurt by this person. I don’t know the situation well, and they’re both good, kind people. They just haven’t had a good relationship. Manipulative, unsure, and rocky. When I first started writing I got a text saying, “he broke it off.” I was thankful that he could finally move on and so could she. There’s a problem though because he said, “She could hurt me over and over. I’d still go back.” The forgiveness he has is incredible, don’t get me wrong. But forgiveness is way different than falling back into a hole that you can’t find your way out of. You can forgive them, but you don’t have to give your whole self away to them.
No more than 20 minutes later, I got a text saying that they were already back together. I’m not under exaggerating, I promise. I got the first text when I started writing this blog and the second text when I was almost done with it.
It’s a vicious cycle that seems like it’s never going to end. I use to just call those people crazy and even stupid (and yes I was one of those crazy people), but now my heart hurts for them. Hurts because I know what they’re feeling. Hurts because I know that better things will come if they stop chasing after the wrong things. If they let go of the desperation for human affection and interaction. It’s much easier said than done, I know this. It’s worth it, though. It’s worth it to stop the confusion, the heartache, the bitterness, and the internal loneliness that you don’t even realize is there.
My friends keep bringing up how happy I am now and how I’m just better to be around. I’m not being held down by that constant desire for something else, someone else. Not only have I found a wonderful boy and wonderful friends, but I have found Jesus once again, and he accepts me with open arms. He doesn’t play games and he doesn’t want to ever hurt or break me. He wants to give me eternal joy and love. He wants the same things for you too. You just have to let go of the things weighing you down now and seek Him instead.
His arms will never push you away. He will always want you. Please, want Him back.
You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
His love is better. than. life. So never think that “nothing will cure this heartache.” There is a simple solution right in front of you. It’s rough to get through it, but you can have comfort in His love and His truth and His grace. His healing ways. Always.
Let Him win over your heart.